Vader's Life
by Sith Master2019
Summary: A look into our favorite Sith Lord's life and how he deals with gay crew members, his irritating master, canceled HoloNet programs, and Rebels, of course. Madness and hilarity ensues. Written mostly for fun, be kind, read and review.
1. An Intro to Vader's Life

Morning

_Sith Master2019 Presents:_

_Vader's Life_

_A Comedy Fanfic_

_**Full Summary: Basically, this takes place somewhere around the start of ANH. It's all about Vader's hectic life on his Star Destroyer, dealing with gay employees, cancelled TV shows, the crazy Emperor, inept stormtroopers, and everything else he could possible have to deal with. Written completely for fun. Enjoy and review.**_

_**XxX**_

_Chapter 1: An Introduction to Vader's Life_

Every day, Lord Vader awoke to the sound of his alarm clock screaming a different quote. Today it bellowed: "All worship you! You are the Lord over all weaklings! Force those who—"

By that time, Vader had turned it off and was awaiting his morning victim. Every day Lord Vader pretended to be asleep so that some high ranking crew member would send a lackey to wake him. Lord Vader would then kill the lackey for fun. Today, however, after thirty minutes, no one came. The Sith Lord sighed (they were getting smarter) and dragged himself out of bed, another day on the _Devastator. _

Vader switched on his HoloScreen to watch his favorite show, Dead Chicks Gone Wild, and simultaneously used the Force to call a beet flavored protein bar to his hand, since protein bars were all he could eat. As the screen before him warmed up, the Sith Lord opened his mask at the neck ever so slightly, shoved the bar in his mouth, and shut it again.

By now, Dead Chicks Gone Wild should have begun, however, Vader was treated to a spinning insignia of the Pal News Network.

"What the hell?" the Sith Lord inquired to himself.

The screen flashed to reveal an elderly, female reporter with graying hair and silver, fake dentures.

"Good morning, Imperials, welcome to our new time slot. We are sorry to inform our viewers that Dead Chicks Gone Wild had been cancelled, due to official request by Emperor Palpatine. All those who disagree with this may fill out a comment card on the HoloInternet and send it to us, we look forward to any disagreements you may have, in the mean time, stop complaining, suck it up, get your thumb out of you ass, and listen to the news—"

"This is bullshit!" Vader exclaimed, standing to his feet, and kicking the HoloScreen over. He stomped on it forty-seven times before he was finally satisfied, and even then, he was still highly pissed. It was time to take this up with the Emperor.

XxX

Darth Vader approached the mammoth communications room aboard the _Devastator_, before he could enter, however, his commlink chimed. The Sith Lord growled in fury and answered it.

"You have reached Lord Vader, speak now or I'll kill you."

"Lord Vader," said a voice he did not recognize on the other line. "You were supposed to report to the bridge an hour ago, why are you not here?!"

"Quit your whining, you little bitch, my favorite show has been cancelled, so I am going to complain to the Emperor. This is far more important than your insignificant worries. I ought to kill you for attempting to command me. Who the hell are you, anyway?"

"Your new captain, remember, you appointed me yesterday."

"That's right, what is your name?"

"Captain Shicklegalinmyer'Mc Vonstranglehelsing-heisen-our-votim-vitmin-gryll-stinowskysmith."

"Holy shit. I must terminate you immediately!"

"Why?"

"Your name is far too long. If anyone can hear me on the bridge, this is Lord Vader, kill Captain Shicklegalinshitface or whatever the bloody hell his name is, and I vow not to kill you for at least one week, and you will receive a bonus of three thousand credits."

The line went dead, and Vader stepped into the communication room. Seconds later, the Sith Lord kneeled before the imposing image of Lord Sidious.

"Arise mine own apprentice, thine helmet shines by light of brightness, yonder above thy head," the Emperor commanded.

"As you wish, my master," said Vader standing, scratching his helmet in confusion.

"Thy contact dost disturb thy master. Thy… screw it. I hate this formal shit. What do you want?"

"Master, why did you cancel Dead Chicks Gone Wild?"

"I got sick of it, plus, I sensed your fantasies."

"Those were private!"

"As they should have stayed, sick pervert. I refuse to renew the Dead Chicks Gone Wild series. I killed the producer, and incinerated all the dead chicks they used."

"You fiend!"

"Yup, it ain't coming back, so suck it up and report to the bridge."

"Damn you."

"Yes, yes! Your anger makes you powerful, use it! Find the Rebels!"

"Yes, yes, I shall find the Rebels." Vader mumbled, properly subdued.

"Good, go away."

XxX

Before Lord Vader reported to the bridge, he made a quick stop at the on-board grocery store, one of a chain called Imp-Mart. He headed down the aisles, piling up his cart with various items he required for daily life such as Cherry Cola, Twinkies, some moth balls, a commlink charger, a few adult magazines, a new book, and finally protein bars. However, none appeared stocked on their usual shelves. Vader sighed in exasperation and pointed to a passing employee.

"You, can you direct me to the fat flavored protein bars?"

"I'm sorry, Lord Vader, we no longer stock protein bars."

"What do you mean you no longer stock protein bars?!" the Sith Lord demanded angrily.

"Well, you see, I used to be the manager here, I've been replaced, and this new guy doesn't want to stock protein bars, he thinks we'd sell more if we replaced them with porn and booze."

"I find your lack of balls disturbing. Very well, if you don't have the lower extremities to face this new manager, I will."

"Before you go, can I interest you in our sexy underwear aisle?"

"No, you may not purchase gay porn."

"What? I didn't say that!" the man insisted.

"You were thinking it," Vader replied.

"Oh yeah, well, what am I thinking now?"

"Whether or not you should ask the new manager out because he's got a large ass and you find him sexy."

"Hey! That's invasion of privacy!"

"Yes it is. Good day, I'm off to see your manager. I shall order him to stock protein bars."

XxX

Vader sighed as he took his groceries back to his quarters. The manager had had a big ass indeed, just like that homosexual employee had imagined. Though, the man was also half rancor and did not understand basic. Translators were far too expensive, and Vader feared the manager might get angry and rip his head off if he did not leave. Even for Sith, nothing matched a rancor.

After unloading his supply of necessary items, Vader headed to the bridge to appoint a new captain after murdering What-his-Face.

The supreme commander of the Imperial Navy pointed at a random crew member as he strode onto the bridge.

"You," Vader stated. "You are captain now, do not disappoint me or I will lock you in a room with that man in the Imp-Mart."

"Thank you Lord Vader, I promise I wont," said the new captain enthusiastically."

"I doubt that. By the way, what is your name?"

"Tes Tes."

"You have the same first and last name?"

"I was brought up in the slums."

"That's too bad, very well captain Tes. Do you have any news about the Rebels?"

"Yeah," said Tes, he pointed out the viewport. "Isn't that one of their ships?"

"Holy shit! That's Princess Leia's ship! Capture it, I sense she is on a Rebel mission."

"Right! You twits heard Lord Vader, set the laser cannons for stun, I want that ship!"

_**A/N: as my regular readers may know, I participated in a series of RPGs started by the author Swim Angel (whose fic The Worst Thing, I highly recommend). To make a long story short, I now firmly believe RPGs are evil and vow never to join one ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever again! It has seriously made me lose my desire to write much of anything, so I'm writing this comedy fic to get back into it. Mostly because I find comedy easy, and not all that difficult to plot, hehehehe. Please enjoy my getting back my bearings, and as always, I'd appreciate it if you clicked review.**_


	2. Princess Leia and Parah Salin

_Chapter 2: Princess Leia and Parah Salin_

Lord Vader stood in the airlock with a shitload of stormtroopers waiting to board the Tantive IV.

"I hate this part," said a troop, whose name, to make it easy, was Tim.

"Me too," another one (Jim) whispered back.

"Shut up," Vader snapped. "Standing for a long period of time in this cramped room is but a small price to pay for the glory of killing Rebels."

"But it smells in here, Lord Vader," Tim whined.

"Ignore that," said the Sith Lord. "That is merely the fish I ate for lunch."

"I thought you could only eat protein bars, milord," said another stormtroop named Bo.

"No, no, no, you see, that is a common misconception."

All the stormtroopers snorted.

"It is!" Vader insisted. "You see, people seem to think protein bars are the only thing my damaged digestive system can handle. Well, they're wrong, I tell you, WRONG! I can eat whatever I wish, in small quantities, at least."

"You know what," said Bo. "I had trash duty, how come you threw out three jars of salsa, and three bags of tortilla chips?"

"What? That was not my trash!"

"Yes it was."

"No… oh, screw you!"

"I was under the impression you were… prejudiced against Espanolians."

"Prejudiced, that's ridiculous! I am racist you fool! But… I happen to like their food, it's good."

"You mean you ate three jars of salsa and three bags of tortilla chips?!" cried Tim.

"Um…."

"But, milord, your digestive system…."

"Well, you see—"

"Wait!" interjected Jim. "THAT'S what that smell is! Lord Vader, you really must take some—"

"Yes, it is true my stomach is in turmoil."

"Perhaps you should go to your quarters milord, have a pinch of baking soda, and lie down for a while? We'll handle the rebels."

"Nonsense! I can deal with these rebels!" Vader declared triumphantly. His stomach gave an unpleasant gurgle, that sounded a bit like a leather boot being plucked out of the mud.

One of the stormtroopers was about to say something, however a disembodied, feminine computer voice filtered through the loudspeaker in the air lock.

"Prepare to board the rebel scum's craft in five, four, three, two, one."

The door before them all pulled open, and every stormtrooper attempted to burst through in unison. Several were cut down immediately by Rebel fire, however, once the moronic Imperials actually began to come through, the Rebels fell to the fury of their blasters. Lord Vader rubbed his stomach as it gurgled loudly.

"Damn Espanoilains," he muttered.

The Sith Lord then stepped into the ship, attempting to appear imposing, although, with the constant rubbing of his stomach, he appeared somewhat pathetic. Vader belched loudly, scaring several stormtroopers, and moved further into the ship. A Rebel opened fire on the Dark Lord, Vader merely used the Force to break the man's blaster, grabbed him by the neck, and lifted him a foot off the ground.

"Alright!" the man choked. "I'll tell you what you need to know!"

"Damn straight! I have some questions for you," said Vader menacingly.

"Cant… breathe!"

"Shut up! Okay, first question, what is the capital of Naboo?"

"Lord Vader," said a stormtrooper from behind him. "Don't you think it would be wiser to question him about the whereabouts of Princess Leia?"

"She's probably shagging somebody!" gulped the man, "in the cargo bay."

Vader dropped the man.

"DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST SAID?!"

"Yeah," the man sputtered, "and it's the truth."

"Dear Force! Find the Princess, she has stolen the plans to the Death Star! Also, do not allow her to seduce you, she may very well infect you with an STD, I'm sure that is a new Rebel scheme to kill off our forces. Go!"

10 Minutes Later

Lord Vader stood in a hallway, still rubbing his gurgling stomach. He looked to the left to see the Princess, her hands bound, being led toward him.

"Darth Vader, only you could be so bold, the Imperial Senate will not sit still for this, when they hear—"

"No, no, no, your highness. I will tell you who will not stand still for this. Your father! Underage sex is prohibited in the Empire, and intelligence suggests that you have 'shagged' every male specimen on this ship! But that does not matter, I want to know what happen to the plans they sent you."

Leia gulped, and shoved something that appeared to be a data card between her bosoms.

"What was that?" Vader asked suspiciously.

"Nothing," said Leia.

"What are you hiding?"

"Nothing… I… it was an itch."

Vader focused closely on Leia's breasts, looking for some sort of data card. He spotted one.

"AHA!" he cried, pointing. "What is that?!"

"What is what?" asked Leia, squishing her bosoms together in an attempt to conceal the data card.

"That card?!"

"What card?!

"The one you are attempting to conceal between your… your….!"

"Oh, that? That's a comment card."

"A comment card?"

"From the guys on the… you don't want to know…."

Vader stroked his masked chin, his stomach gave an unpleasant lurch. "Perhaps you are right. Spicy Espanolian food and stories about your sexual experiences do not mix well…."

The Sith Lord's stomach growled, and he tasted something hot in the back of his throat.

"Um…" Vader snapped. "Take her away! I shall interrogate her later."

Lord Vader turned on the spot and began a speedy trek down the hallway, in search of the nearest restroom, or perhaps garbage disposing facility.

And officer, however, clad in black, approached him from behind, and began to spew a number of irritating facts.

"Sir, is it wise to take her into custody? The Senate may begin to sympathize with the Rebellion."

"Nonsense," snapped Vader, waving his hand nonchalantly, while rubbing his spice-food-plagued gut with the other. "We will run a series of add on the HoloNet depicting how much of a whore she is. People don't sympathize with whores."

"Oh yeah…. You're right, milord. I remember a Senator in the Old Republic. Her name was Padmé Amidala and—"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"Padmé Amidala. Rumor had it that she and her 'Jedi Protector' Anakin Skywalker met in her room once a week to discuss 'security details', more than likely she was—"

"HOW DARE YOU—" Vader trailed off. His stomach gave another lurch, worse than any before. "BATHROOM!"

Vader sprinted off, leaving the officer behind thoroughly confused.

Many Hours Later

Vader sighed as he sunk down on his couch to watch primetime HoloNet news. He had been confined to his quarters all day, under his own orders, because he felt sick. He had given the crew instructions to keep them busy. First, he had ordered them jump to hyperspace, setting a course for the Death Star. After that, he ordered several men to go kill the rancor manager in the Imp Mart on board, and then ordered everyone else to scrub the floors and walls and ceilings of their quarters with toothbrushes, so as to keep them out of his hair (if he had any).

Sighing, the Sith Lord watched as the logo for his favorite news program The O'flyly factor spun around three times. Bill O'flyly then appeared on the screen.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the zero spin zone, tonight, talking points—"

However, O'flyly's image disappeared, and was replaced by the logo of MSNBC, another network news channel.

Vader groaned. He hated MSNBC.

To make matters worse, the famous reporter Katie Sturic appeared.

"Tonight, we finish our interview with Vice Senate Speaker candidate Parah Salin, we're sorry to interrupt the O'flyly Factor, but Mr. O'flyly agreed this news was more important."

"Bullshit!" Vader boomed. "I'll bet it was the Emperor again…."

"Mrs. Salin," said Sturic. "Please tells us about your experience on foreign policy. We hear your home planet, Aklaska, resides very close to the home world of the Yuuzhan Vong. How exactly does that aide you in foreign policy experience?"

"Well, ya know, Katie, security is very important for we Aklaskins. We can all see Vong home world from our houses. We keep an eye on them, ya know, or, I do."

"I see," said Sturic. "But what exactly do you mean?"

"Well, every day I call up the Vong president and I say 'what's up.'"

"And…."

"Well, ya know. I subtly question him about potentially diabolical plans to blow up the galaxy or something."

"Can you give us an… example?"

"Well, ya know, I ask 'hey, got any plans for tonight that involve explosives', and he says 'no', so I don't prod him any further 'cause that would be rude."

"Interesting. And you believe speaking with the Vong president about his 'nightly plans' on a daily basis qualifies you in the realm of foreign policy experience."

"Well, ya know, sure."

"Alright, new point. What do you think of the Palpatine Doctrine?"

Parah Salin laughed aloud for several moments. "That's quite funny Katie. But you know what's really funny? A joke we tell in Aklaska. What is the difference between a space hockey mom and a bantha?"

"I don't know, what?"

"The size of their butts."

Katie Sturic blinked very rapidly. "I fail to see the humor…."

"Obviously you've never been to Aklaska."

Vader sighed and shut off the HoloNet, the entire interview was rather boring. Sighing, the Sith Lord dragged himself to bed, ready for a new day where his stomach would not plague him any longer.


End file.
